i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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