oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
