I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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