grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
