Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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