I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Someone came in the potted fern
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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