Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
