come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
