god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
