Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
