you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
