I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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