There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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