OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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