It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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