You really coming over, don't trick.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
