my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
