Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
