My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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