I wish my penis had an off switch
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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