you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
