My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
