My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
