Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
