apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
