i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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