I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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