using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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