omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
