meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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