i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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