True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I did not marry a roomba.
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