So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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