listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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