Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
