Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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