The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
