"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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