Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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