I accidentally burped into my bong.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
