The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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