We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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