There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
