i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
