So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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