I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
