my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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