just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
