I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
sex in a hospital.. check
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
