So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
