I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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