Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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